Making sense

I used to love free writing in my English class. Its how my brain works. I hear something and my mind just runs with it. It becomes quite confusing for people that I have conversations with because I'm already 4 subjects away from the original one in matter of minutes. As people hang out with me, they become used to it and can almost piece together how I got to the new subject.
One of the things that I'm learning about myself is that the way my brain works, is the way it works. Conversations tend to be off the point, always thinking about the next thing. Life is like that too for me. I think about life, what might happen, how to prepare myself. Impossible task you might say. Or maybe you'd say that it must be exhausting and rigid for me. I never feel that way. I like routine and schedules but not necessarily that there has to be something to do at all times.
They say that the most important things for children to have are rules, guidelines and expectations. If you sit and just watch children you can see them trying the same thing over, and over, even if it is hurting them.  Why don't they just stop? They are making sure that no matter how many times that they do something, that the results are going to be the same. They can count on something in their life to always be consistent even if other things aren't. Children's minds are so adaptable and change so quickly, while the pathways are usually so formed in adults. We spend our younger years learning about how the world is supposed to work, throw in one exception or traumatic event and it makes one wonder what else is not really how it had seemed?
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
In my childhood, the rules and safety net that I thought was there to save me turned out to not be as consistent and solid as I had thought. Along with other things, I in turn learned to doubt that when in a crisis, the way I respond is going to be seen as appropriate by another person. I start worrying that maybe I overreacted or maybe I should have done more? Certain situations trigger me more like attacks on me personally, normal stressful things that might affect my job make me overly anxious, and things about money. My brain ends up shutting down and I go into anxiety mode, asking people questions that usually drive them nuts because to them its not even worth a second thought and here I am obsessing over it. I'm not even really conscious. I'm only trying to make sense of what has just happened. Sometimes I know I'm in anxiety mode. Other times I only notice when I come out. It feels like a cloud and I can only think about now, this second. And then all of a sudden I can see and think and things seem to make more sense though I don't always understand how to explain why to other people. And there's nothing anyone else can do to help me with this. I'm the only person that can change how I process things and though I wish it could be an on/off switch that I throw to bring myself around, its not that easy. With counseling and patience I can see an improvement even though I get thrown backwards occasionally. Also because I can acknowledge that I have a problem, I can also find a solution and also help others to understand what I might need. Through counseling I learn about tools that I can use, through my relationship with Will and my friends I get support and understanding, and through interacting with the difficult people in my life I get to practice my tools on various levels. The tools that I am given might seem so simple, so natural but somewhere in my childhood, I wasn't given them. The world was a scary place and now its beginning to make more sense.